In this episode, Amber Hurdle helps listeners create values for their life and business through her interview with personal development coach and host of the Overwhelmed Brain Podcast, Paul Colaianni.
Paul Colaianni is a personal empowerment coach, author, and host of the award winning personal growth podcast called The Overwhelmed Brain. His passion is to empower his listeners so that they can make decisions that are right for them.
14 Transcription: How to Create Values for Your Life & Business with Paul Colaianni
*This episode was transcribed for your reading convenience, based on a verbal conversation. Please forgive grammatical errors.
Announcer: Welcome to the bombshell business podcast where driven fempreneurs learn how to become more bold, brave and unwaveringly confidant. Turn your dreams into actionable, marketable and profitable plans and make your business irresistible.
Amber: Welcome back bombshells with bombshell business podcast. I am your host, Amber Hurdle. You are listening to episode number 14 and I am super excited that we are starting and entire month of gratitude theme podcast episodes and we are kicking it off today with my friend, Paul Colaianni of the overwhelmed brain. Real quick, I want to explain why I am either getting into this with you. It’s just that every time I get back to this time of year, the seasons are changing. We are in a season of abundance. It’s a very reflective season and I just had this grand idea if I do say so myself that I would interview four people who have a lot to do with why I finally found my happy place in business. So today we are going to start with Paul [inaudible 00:01:10] who is a personal empowerment coach, author and host of the award-winning personal growth podcast called the overwhelmed brain. As I said. So welcome Paul, thank you for being on the bombshell business podcast.
Paul: I am honored to be here, thank you so much for the invite.
Amber: Absolutely. So I love that we are talking about values today which is the highlight and I think that Paul is a dear friend. He really is so that being said, tell us about you, you as a person. Who are you?
Paul: Where do I start with that? I like to define myself by the dysfunction that I was brought up in. I am result of my dysfunction, my challenges, my healing, my relationships of which everyone I have discussed. My career which everyone I have got burned out on to the point where I just looked inside and what do I need to do to change who I am and so that change has been taking place for the last eleven years or so. I started the podcast, the overwhelmed brain about 3 years ago. I did some coaching in 2009 and then I stopped it and I went back to it a couple of years ago, and so I look at my past and I see that everything about who I am today and I feel pretty good about that person.
Amber: Well, I sure like that person.
Paul: I like you too.
Amber: So let’s talk about your podcast. Who is it for and then what in a nutshell does it cover?
Paul: Yeah. It’s called the Overwhelmed Brain and it’s the personal growth show for critical thinkers and I named it that because one of the things that kept going through my mind is what can I talk about for hours and where I don’t get bored because if I am going to do this broadcasting, podcasting thing, I want to be able to talk about it easily and just not get burned out. So I was like personal growth. My healing, my development, all of this stuff, I love that stuff. I could talk about that all day. Great. So I have that. Who do I want to talk to and what do I want to teach? Well, I love practical steps like practical information. Give me some grounded good solid information and also I am just going to teach things that people have never heard. New ways of being and new ways of thinking and so that’s what my show cater is doing to people that or think more practically think or questioning what’s out there now and so that’s what I catered to. That’s how I do my show.
Amber: Love that. So we talk about that a lot in this podcast of jus really embracing who you are. And delivering to the people who need you.
Paul: If I may along the same lines of today’s topic is what I decided to talk about was something that I wanted to hear myself. Boy, when you connect, when you put your authentic self out there, which is what I believe I do, the people that connect with me the most are the ones that are very similarly minded and those people are going to want to hear more of what I say. Finally because we all want to voice.
Amber: So that’s a perfect sag way this is a sticky part because we cover values in the bombshell business bootcamp and it’s amazing how many people get stuck here. Tell us your definition. How would you explain values?
Paul: A value is what you find most important or at least very important. When your values are in place, you are going to have a fearless mentality because you are honoring that in yourself. I want to honor this value no matter what. A value is anything you find important or so important that it is your primary driver, your primary guide or motivation to do what you do and so when it comes to an entrepreneurial journey, or work in general career, you could have a personal value of those are good example of no one is going to disrespect me. I don’t want to be disrespected. If I am just respected, then I am either going to tell you about it and say you need to back off or I am going to get out of the situation myself. So it’s a personal value along with the business value. I don’t necessarily say my value in business is to not be disrespected unless it becomes a problem over and over again in my life. So when it comes to personal values, this is sort of like saying emotions shouldn’t interfere with business decisions. But technically they do probably a 100% of the time. If emotions are not affecting your business decisions, then you may not be making the right business decisions, I don’t know. But where do these emotions come from. They come from your personal life, your identity, who you identify as who you walk around planet as yourself, as your individuality. What am I going to find joyful? What will I tolerate in my life? The values are bound up and personal boundaries and beliefs and ideas about what you want for your future and what you don’t want to happen to you. So you take all these things and they are very personal to you and then you bring them in to our work, into your career, into your entrepreneurial journey and that’s important because if you don’t bring those values into your work, you are most likely not going to enjoy your work. So yes the idea behind personal values affecting business values is certainly there and a lot of them are going to be similar if not the same. I must be respected. I demand respect or I only will work with people who respect me.
Amber: But if you bring that into business setting, let’s just say respect your personal values and even if you are not the soul owner of the business that you have business partners or you bring on a leadership team immediately to create your brand, to create your company culture, when you are creating those values if you have … You are highly likely to attract other people in your business, whether it’s your business partners or employees, hopefully if you have a great company culture, you are going to attract people who are like you, who have shared values like you. So if you had experiences, that have made respect, one of your top down values, you are probably going to say okay, so in my business or in our business, we are going to show respect to each other, we are going to show time respect to each other. We are going to arrive to our shift on times. So the other person could go home because they have expectations outside of work. We are not going to speak to each other in a disrespectful way so that is a personal value that somebody can bring in and then it’s very easily applied as a business value and especially when you are more I have a team. It’s a small team but at the end of the day, it’s amber Hardal coaching training. So mine are pretty much one of the same but once you start brining that team on, you need to consider what’s the customer experience that I want my tribe to have and that’s where those values start coming in more into play from a business perspective where you want to tweak. What are the rules? How are we going to do this we call business?
Paul: You yourself take entrepreneur out, take I am an employee out, you yourself are your company regardless of making money or not. You are your own person. You are your own company. So how am I going to develop this company and bring in people into this company that honor me or at least honor my values or at least have similar values even if they have opposing ideas. That’s fine but today a similar values is this something that we can all work towards together. It’s like you are walking around as your own company and you have to assign all these positions in your company. So what do you do? You bring people into your company yourself, into your life, your friends, people that you trust, maybe at work or whatever, family, and you build this foundation and you bring this really defines you inside. Who am I going to let into my foundation, who am I going to let into my personal company and I am point out myself. Me. I am going to lend it to my life. These people are going to be in alignment with my values. They need to be safe. They need to be respectful. They need to be honorable and integrity. A lot of similar words and they need to be kind and all these other things. So when you are doing that in your life, when you are bringing people in your life and you take that into business, you take this person that you have built as foundation into business, and you keep that then what you might find is that the people around you in business don’t always align with you and you are going to have that no matter where you go but for the most part are you still able to be yourself? Your authentic true self in business, in your career, in your venture and if that’s possible. So you can still be that person in any business. Then you are good because now you are still in your own values. So when somebody does violate a boundary, violate a value, and you have an opportunity to act from this place in alignment with your values and then you get to stay there, they don’t fire you or anything like that, then you realize this is good for me because even though I am getting opposition I can still be myself and it’s not going to create a problem and that’s very helpful. When you can find that situation or create that situation for yourself, then you have something that could be a great success in many ways not just monetarily.
Amber: In the same an employee can respectfully go to their boss and say I don’t feel like our values are being honored in this decisions that are making in the business and then again you have already agreed that an important thing. So I think it just shifts everybody back to center but how do we get there, Paul? How do we get there? How do you determine what your values …
Paul: What you are defining right there is the perfect world. Hey, this is the bigger vision for the company. Okay, we all agree then. That’s just a perfect world Eutopia.
Amber: Isn’t that easy?
Paul: It’s never that, it really isn’t that easy because there is always someone or several someone’s who are going to disagree and they are going to bring up their points and hopefully nobody takes things personally and they do see bigger vision and they move towards that vision. Great, then all happens. But when it comes to defining what your values are, and the most important thing to do is really along the lines of figuring out what’s most important to you in every area of life. So like you and I went through this and you know how to do values and you have probably thought values for many years. The idea is to find out what’s important to me about x. What’s important to me about getting a job, having a career, what’s important to me about relationship, my love life? For example, respect comes up for me a lot and a lot of these things it’s a high level thing. If there is no respect, then everything else won’t matter like if I am happy here, but I have a top level value of respect getting violated, then nothing else is really going to matter which is why we get burnt out, which is why we quit. So we do these things because other values aren’t in alignment with us. So how do we get that in alignment? It’s really easy but there is a process and it takes about an hour too and it’s taking an area of life that you need the most work in, most improvement in. So you have all these values that you start running down. You got 20 or 30 or maybe a 100. Just all these things must haves or they are just very important and hope you do have them. This is where you start winding it down and narrowing it down to another list of what really are my must haves. You write all those down and you go, “ What’s most important and you start doing your hierarchy. You are putting everything in order.” So you might have to do this on your computer where you can take words and take and put them in the first place. What’s most important? Is that more important than that one? Is that more important than that one? Once you do that, you ask yourself one final question of okay, what else is most important to me about for example relationships and then you see if you can come up with anything else. The idea behind all of this is just to figure out what you want for yourself. What would be your perfect relationship, what would be your perfect career? Well, I must have weekends off. I must be able to have trust and respect for my co-workers. I want to have medical insurance or whatever and are those so important to you that you are willing and I am going to use the word fight not that I mean fight. But you are willing to fight for them. You are willing to go to battle, to honor that in you. Now that doesn’t mean you attack anyone. It just means you honor it in yourself to the point where you will walk away. You are ready to walk away because you want to honor these and this is a story is that when my wife, when I was married, in late 2000s, we went broke and homeless, pretty much law of attraction and stuff. So we brought them into our life, broken homeless, literally standing everyday and I finally got a job. So I went to this job and I was enjoying it and they way they sell it to me this is got to be fun. But three or four weeks into the job, I said okay, now we are going to change what you do. We are going to put you on phones and you are going to answer these calls. That’s not what I want for myself and I started feeling this violation inside of me. This is not what was sold to me. This is not what I wanted and I really had to come to terms of this and I felt imprisoned suddenly because now here I am. I have to make money or go back to being broke and homeless and it’s like this battle went on inside of me and I was like what are my values and this is where you refer to values. What are my values? You know what I need to be integrative with myself. It’s one of my highest values. I need to be integrative to myself and being here is not an integrity. I was like I called my wife from work, if I choose to leave, is that going to be the worst thing in the world and which is like I support anything you do. I was like really tear came to my eye and I was like this is it. I need to quit. I went up to my supervisor and I said I am leaving. I quit. I went home and yeah, the very next day, we were in soup kitchen but I felt so good inside myself. I honored myself and that’s where our values really take place and are so important is that once you write all these down and realize what you want for yourself, what’s most important to you and you stick by it. It always leads to a happier place. I am not saying that you won’t have challenging things but you are fulfilling something way down inside of you and when you fulfill that. It doesn’t matter if you quit your job and you need the money, it doesn’t matter all these other stuff. Things will work out because you are driven in a direction that makes you happier. There is kids involved and there is other people involved and sometimes you have to make sacrifices and compromises and there are things like that. But just to get this clear in yourself, so you are following a path that fulfills you is going to give you more success, almost always I would say always then not. I have more stories to share about that but every time I followed and stayed in alignment with my values, it always led to a better place.
Amber: Everything is a trade. It’s this or that, always in life and you chose to stand by your values as opposed to stand by your next pay check, which is an extreme example and not everybody would have that option like you said because or whatever. But look where that led you. I think that’s the important part is and we are not at the end of story yet because life is not done for you. So there is no telling what that one decision to stand by your values is going to lead even beyond today for you.
Paul: Absolutely. I can understand. Some is going to come up to me and go yeah, it worked for you because it worked. That’s what I said to other people. Well, they are teaching that on stage because they just worked for them, if it didn’t work for them, they wouldn’t be teaching them on stage. What does that mean? Well, that means that 99% of the people that do what you say are going to fall in hard times and whatever. You are only talking about it because it works. But over and over again I have tested this where if I stay in alignment with my values, if I honor myself, what happens? Well always jump to this is where we go, a lot of us. We always jump to what might happen if I do this. What might happen if I quit? Well, I may end up at the soup kitchen. If you allow your thinking that far, then you will stop yourself from honoring yourself every time because your thinking always going to go into the most fearful a lot of times, fearful place, if I had thought, yeah but I will end up at the soup kitchen. Yeah but what’s right for me now. That’s a very different place than what might happen if I do it. I understand.
Amber: Well, bombshells are thinkers. They are type A, they are super driven, they are control freaks. I got you, girl. I know who you are and I will put myself in that category for the most part I have learned that over the years but it is a scary place to be when you are not in control in that moment. For someone who is a little more scared about saying these are my values and I don’t care what the end consequence is because ultimately I know my values are going to guide me, and into the right place or life or business or whatever. What do you do when your values are tested or challenged from a practical stand point?
Paul: So if you have created a list for yourself and you have like the top three values that are must haves in your life, my suggestion is to follow that religiously like no matter what, but with exception. So you have these values with exception. You know what I have been following these every time and this time I am going to make an exception. So yes, that’s part of step one here which is knowing your values and gives your kind of this sign post, this beacon to follow. Taking it to the point where you honor them , no matter what. If you feel this violation of personal boundary or of belief, something that is doing something against your beliefs, some sort of violation, it’s going to feel like resistance in your body. Whatever was free flowing before is not flowing anymore and the emotions were built up and build pressure and you feel it. So then you go, “Okay. What is being violated in me?” Then the next question is what do I need to do for me? What is the right thing to do for me? Well, what if I could do anything? That’s another question. What if I could do anything without consequence? Then what would I do. That’s a great question to ask yourself. Okay, I went through all that and have these answers but I am still not going to do it because I am afraid of the consequence. This is where we take ourselves out of the present moment and create some fantasy that may or may not happen. It could. We think we know what’s going to happen, and sometimes we are right and a lot of the times we are not because I have tested it and most of the time, let me say this all the time I was wrong. I was shocked. Every time I have tested this, I was wrong every time. I am going to be wrong. But every time because I just painted this worst case scenario. This is what’s going to happen. I am going to get fired or she is going to leave me or whatever part of my life, I was working on. So okay, I need to stay present here and do what’s right for me. Yes. That’s easy to say. What’s the next step? The next step is to think about what you fear? Okay, so you get fired, how is that bad? That’s a stupid question. But I am going to say yeah, but I want you to visit it. I want you to understand what’s really driving your behavior from the most primal place. How far does this fear go? Well, is that your real fear? Yes, no. You real fear maybe is not having money. You are going to a place inside of you where it originates the fear that originates and then we put a package or we wrap it up and I must have this job no matter what. When we get stuck in that place, I must do this no matter what. If we are stuck in that place, then where do you go from there? You are stuck. So that’s why I like to take people, okay, first things first. Do what’s right for you. Yeah, but I don’t want because I am afraid of what might happen. Okay, what might happen? Then I take him through the worst case scenario.
Amber: So when you go down to that powerful of a true fear and even just sitting here listening you go through that, that’s absolutely what happens. I guess I always go the opposite way. In my glamour goals program, we kind of go through the same process but in the opposite direction. Why do you want that? So you can and I just keep asking. I call this so what game. But to go backwards into where is this fear coming from, that’s all the more reason to genuinely define your values. So that you have something equally if not more powerful than your fear in which you can make decisions and live life because the things that they deal with on a day to day basis is the thing. It’s not the thing. If I can also add real quick, we decide that my faith was my number one value. People who know me especially religious. But I am very spiritual, what I have found in life is that I come up with all the terrible things that can happen and all these fears and I think that I can absolutely control my life with my values, without my values, and I future, and what really happens is what God has prepared for me is so much greater than what I could have possibly come up in my wildest imagination. So sometimes you just have to let go of that fear and say this is what my life is guided by and I am going to stick with this over here because that never fails me and let go of all that fear with anticipation and with the hope and you don’t. That’s not law of attraction. That’s just I think how life works. Here is better for me out there and I am not going to let … I am not going to start every day that I wake up. I am not going to squander that day. I am not. I will not. So I will tell someone to take eye and a heartbeat because you are not screwing up today’s chance to live fully. If you look at each day as an individual opportunity to do what you are supposed to do on this earth or to love the way that you have to love or to share your talents the way that only you can with the world, otherwise, what’s the point.
Paul: That’s beautiful. I mean what you just said is everything in a nutshell and that’s an amazing way to look at it because what if we are all brought here with our gifts, with our talents to connect with other people with similar gift skills and talents and if that’s the case, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with who you are.
Amber: Absolutely. So when I describe a bomb shell is you think Marilyn Monroe or amazingly standing woman who walks in the room and everybody goes wow, but to me a bombshell is a woman who is bold, brave and a wavering and who she is and so Marilyn Monroe knew who she was. She knew what she was … She was an entertainer and she got herself and that’s why she could sell herself. That’s why she stayed confident and so to me, you just summed it all up. We are all here to connect with each other. The way that I love to do that is through my profession. So I don’t try to speak to women who aren’t business women because I don’t have to connect to them in a meaningful way for them and so I can certainly understand and be empathetic and do my best but that has never been who I am. So again good for you, not for me. I don’t think that’s a bad situation to be in. So if you understand your values, then you can start navigating the way where you get to actually live out who you are supposed to be in this to connect with other people in a meaningful way. So if you do get by a bus tomorrow as I love to say when I am talking about bombshells, you have done what you are supposed to do, you have lived in a big way, you have no regrets and it all full circle comes back to understand what it is that matters most to you in life. So what can a bombshell do after she has figured all of this out, after she has figured out what her values are, what’s the thing that she can do to absolutely fast track her to success? What’s something applicable that she can start doing like this week that will be something that she can see immediate change.
Paul: That’s a good question. Now I have got to view the guru. So crack my knuckles here. As soon as you start honoring yourself in a way that you have before, your world accelerates and expands like nuts like crazy because once you are in alignment with this, and you put yourself out there as this person in alignment with those values starting today it happens. So is there something applicable? Yes. You can absolutely just make a list of values. You don’t have to go through the whole process. Just make a list of what’s important to me about having a good day or if I have a good day I will listen to my favorite band or I will make sure I have for me I love ice tea. I will make sure I have a cold glass of ice tea and that to me is a good day. So when I actually do that, it feels good. I am in my zone. That’s a small thing. It’s like I teach a personal boundaries. You do little things that help you on your personal boundaries especially if you are never done it before. A lot of this stuff if you are having trouble or problem or challenge in any area of life, it’s because you are doing things that you always do. You do the same thing over and over again. Eventually go insane, you get burnt out, something will happen that you won’t lead to success unless it’s leaving to success now. Working for you today, good. Keep at it. You aer doing something right. Whatever you can look and go, it’s not working for today, that’s what you want to start changing. So you look at what do I do? It’s hard to sometimes identify what you do because you are in it. It’s like you are always doing it. You are doing it the things that you think are right. So this is a matter of breaking down your decision making process throughout the day, I am about to make a decision that make this phone call and whatever the thought is. I really don’t want to talk to this guy. You know what everybody don’t want to talk to this guy. So I am not going to call him.
Amber: Permission to do that.
Paul: What does that change? How does that affect an outcome? It could be a big client. Yeah but you want to pull in this big client that you don’t like and then you are going to have to deal with whatever daily, weekly basis. You start making these decisions differently because before you were basing them maybe on a fear, like if I don’t call him, I won’t make money or tell you what happens, when you start honoring yourself in this way and doing things a little bit differently, this might be exoteric but you start opening up the space for other things in your life. This guy that you don’t like, that you don’t want to talk to, he goes away because you don’t call him and now he is no longer a client. But this fantastic women comes in and you want to work with her, it’s like wow, I wouldn’t have had the space for you if I took this other person on.
Amber: This is totally off business topic but what you just said reminds me what I told my girlfriends or at least my single girlfriend all the time. Why are you wasting your time with a man who is tying you up when the man of your dreams is out there looking for you. Why are you doing this and it’s because they are lonely or they need a man in their life or whatever but now I am going to use the version, you are opening up if you break up with this person, you are going to open up the space for new opportunities. So you are saying that step of bombshell should take this week is to just in the day for the day, find opportunities to start applying a value system even if it’s not completely flushed out yet but just to make intent decisions and understand where is that coming from, what’s the value there, why am I making this decision? Start practicing and small ways that maybe a little less, have a little less to lose.
Paul: A little less impact and what that does is you are going to notice it right away because the feeling comes over you right away. I just did something very scary and I survived and I feel actually more empowered and I could probably do that again even thought might be scary the next time. But I guess less and less scary and again your world just opens up. I remember the day I spoke to my two bosses thinking that I was going to get fired and it turned out to be the opposite. It’s like I have got over this hurdle. I spoke up to them against them and suddenly I got to raise the next week. What? This is not … I have lived my life out of fear not speaking up for myself, not honoring myself and I just thought that was the safe path is always the best path. It doesn’t turn out that way. It feels like a violation inside of you. Start honoring yourself in little ways so that you get this feeling, the feeling creates the momentum. The momentum builds the shift inside of you and will continue to improve and you will find success that you have not found before and this is the experience that I have had. I have lived it, I have loved it over and over again and I highly recommend you start doing it today. It’s a little scary but it take little leaps of faith and big changes happen.
Amber: I love it. Okay. So I am so fortunate that Paul is a friend of mine. So I get to have access to this awesome all the time. But for you out there, bombshell, I encourage you to go to the overwhelmedbrained.com we are going to have that website and then all of Paul’s social. Face Book, Twitter, YouTube all that kind of stuff podcast. We will have all of that in the show notes. But Paul how can people work with you? What are the options if somebody hears us and they are like oh my gosh, I need … I just feel like we can talk about this or the next week and still not be done. So how can people interact so that they can just take this to the next level?
Paul: Sure, if they want to work with me. If you guys want to work with me, anyone out there, you just go to theoverwhelmedbrain.com and click on coach with Paul, big old mug shot of me with the green button below it. You could see what I offer. You could see what I do. It will explain my process. I am pretty laid back. I am pretty authentic. What you hear now is what you get. I don’t like to … I am not one of those … I just heard it from one of my clients. She goes I am a fire. I am not saying what you should do. This is what she said. I am going to fire my therapist because when I go to my therapist, all she does is go oh you poor thing. That must be so hard. I am like really? That’s what she is doing. So I am not that guy. I just observe. I listen and I pick things out and then I feed them back to you and you go. I get it. So you want to work with me, great. Go to theoverwhelmedbrain.com, click on coach with Paul and I am not trying to sell this but there is a worksheet on values called [inaudible 00:356:39] but that I offer. If you don’t work with Amber, and you want their worksheet, then you can find that on my website as well.
Amber: Well, you know it’s a funny thing that people don’t work with me and you at the same time or it might be the season where it’s time to work with you and I can say just from person experience and I know most of the bombshell community is this way. We think we know and I thought that I knew and you were in a very gentle flowing type of way, you were able to help me understand that I did not all that I thought I knew. I think that is a very important trait for somebody who works with a driven type A, type personality. It is not a condescending experience. It’s very respectful but challenging experience and I think anybody could take advantage of. So Paul, thank you so much for being on the bombshell business podcast and for being my first interview of podcast. I appreciate you very much.
Paul: I am honored. Thank you so much for all your kind words. It was very nice of you.
Amber: Absolutely. All right. Bombshells make sure you go to amberherald.com/podcast with an s for the show notes and all the links that we have talked about will be in those show notes and how to find Paul and all that like a jazz and don’t forget to meander on to iTunes and leave a rating and just tell other women in business why this podcast would be a great fit for them and that would help me do more what I love to do and helping professional women. We will see you next week.
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If you have any questions or comments about this show, please post them in the comments area below and I would love to answer them! <3